Regrets

This is the anthem of,

Those who lost themselves long ago.

This is the calling of the dead.

Broken hearts and tear drenched eyes,

Forgetting all I used to know.

This is the calling of the dead.

Retrospect

Wow... So it's been a while since I've updated this. I suppose that can be attributed to too many distractions as of late (?). What a better way to start again than to reflect back.

 At a recent City and Colour concert I attended Dallas Green said something that really challenged my thinking on music, and I can apply it to life as well. He talked about how it is difficult for him to play a song that he wrote years ago, his "old" material per say. He struggles with revisiting his old work because he realizes just how much things have changed since he wrote it. He is in a different place in his life. He has grown, moved on. He has trouble getting in touch with that music, and it completely makes sense.

Although some consider this (me included) to be his best work, Dallas definitely justified why he has trouble playing it. I recently read through some of the old songs I had written, and I tried to focus on what I was feeling, thinking, the place I was in my life when they were relevant. I like to believe that what I write has the purpose of being applied to any situation I encounter, and hardships I face, but I know that is not the truth.

However, there are a few songs, which Dallas proved by playing "Like Knives," that just seem to have a way of sticking around and reconnecting us to those moments in life. That is what I try to do, not for the mere purpose of rekindling harsh emotions (albeit the point at times), but to learn how exactly I moved on and overcame obstacles; to teach myself how not to fall victim to those traps, those struggling times that seemed to suck life away.


So here it is. A song written long ago, one of the first. Why this one? I wish I knew exactly why. It has always stuck with me. I still search to know exactly what I was trying to tell myself. The weight it carries is significant in more ways than I'll ever understand.

http://youtu.be/bkpwBf_g-Kc

Let me learn from this. Look at the past, to move on from the present into a brighter future.

Watershed

Take a step back.

Really look at the situation at hand and what it all means. You will come across major moments like this that will determine the course for your future. So many inhibitions with this specific moment. Something you have been fighting with for what seems like eternity. However, this is what everyone has said you need to improve upon. What you did, taking that step and choosing to follow through will make it or break it.

I suppose that's what you needed. As tough as it may be, it's what you needed to do.

Reflections

Every so often we look back on instances that have impacted us in the severest of ways, be it good or bad. This just so happens to be one of those instances.
I haven't listened to this song in a long time, and as such never paid much attention to the lyrics, or really searched for a meaning within. I feel that happens with a lot of music, but nonetheless, I'm focusing on this one. 
Strong words that are heavily weighted with meaning. This song explains a reflection of what I was for the past year. 


It begins with a dark glowing ember...
Something black burning its way out of me
Searing the flesh
Pain is the only thing I feel, scars all I see...

Oh no the fire's burning my insides again!
What can I do to silence my desire tonight?
Flames consuming reason leaving only ashes left,
You will catch me regretting my decision
I can't keep telling myself what I want to hear (what I want to hear)
I can't just close my eyes

I know that it's killing me
And it's poisoning the best of me
What I say, I don't want to believe
So let me tell you more, tell you more
About the lies I lead

That is how I choose to douse the flames in gasoline (Whoo!)
Broken dreams replace the blackout memories in my head
Wreckage from my past, it haunts me, shakes me to the bone (to the bone)
I know it's over but I can't go home tonight

But after this I feel as empty as the night before
Feel the pain and yet I'm still begging for more
Masochistic, nihilistic, urging backward thought
My life's a mess and I can't find a way to fix it

I can't keep telling myself what I want to hear (what I want to hear)
I can't just close my eyes
(close my, close my, close my fuckin eyes)

I know that it's killing me,
And it's poisoning the best of me
What I say, I don't want to believe
So let me tell you more, tell you more
About the lies I lead

Calling, calling out
The darkest reaches of my soul are riddled with self-doubt
Crawling, crawling out
My will to fight will more than suffice when others would lay down

It's only as dark as you make it!

I know (I know) that it's killing me (it's killing me)
And it's poisoning (it's poisoning) the best of me (the best of me)
What I say (what I say), I don't want to believe (want to believe)
So let me tell you more, tell you more
About the lies I lead

The Times They Are A-Changin'

What happened?
Whatever happened to the times when you worried about things that were never an issue to begin with? Where things seemed to be worse than they actually were. Where solutions to our problems were as easy as simply saying "I'm sorry."

The One You Want

Perfection.
That is what she is to you. The one you set up all standards against.
Such a rich history between the two of you. The first girl to ever truly have an impact on your life. She reached out a hand, and showed you what true love really means.
She deserves nothing but the best. That is what makes it so hard for you. So many opportunities to hold her, to be her man. You hold back... feeling sometimes that you can't offer her that which she deserves.
You put her happiness above your own. You love her and always will.

She is right in all the right ways.

The One That Got Away

She was right in all the wrong places.
So naive and inexperienced. She tried her best to break you out, to open you up. You resisted. She eventually gave up.
Things are different now and you finally realize how much she did for you. You appreciate her more than ever. She is the one who tells you like it is, never holding back. Perhaps that is what you needed all along.
A different time, a different place. Maybe it would have worked out then. However, she is as invaluable as ever now. Always willing to offer up advice and help you out.
You appreciate her more than ever. You can't help but to wonder once in a while: "what if..."

The one that got away.