Grey

The ripples of the water tell a different tale.
I'm led to believe that life is like a fairy tale.
Full of happy endings, to start a new beginning.
Why did it happen this way?

The faded pages of this old book are so new to me.
So I take this pen and make it what I want to be.
Take my final bow, to set a new course now.
Why did it happen this way?

[Because the choices I've made, led me down this road.
And the choices I've made are grey.
There's no yes or no in my life anymore.
And its all by the choices I've made.]

So I take a breath and try to see it through your eyes.
But the truth is always clouded by so many lies.
Life's so complicated, I'm feeling suffocated.
Why did it happen this way?

And when others tell me they have life all figured out.

I just laugh and ask them what about when you have doubts.

Dreamscape

Drifting asleep, I tightly close my eyes.

Darkness creeping in,

Constricting the light, tonight.

Dreams will pass me by, but some will choose to stay.

And what do they mean?

Who am I to say, today.

[I don’t want to wake up.

Because I can’t face myself today.

All I want to do,

Is fade away, just fade away.

Into the grey, just fade away]

Dreamscape, dreamscape.

People let me die, only if you’ll greet me there.

Only in my dreams,

Does anyone care, please share.

Regrets

This is the anthem of,

Those who lost themselves long ago.

This is the calling of the dead.

Broken hearts and tear drenched eyes,

Forgetting all I used to know.

This is the calling of the dead.

Retrospect

Wow... So it's been a while since I've updated this. I suppose that can be attributed to too many distractions as of late (?). What a better way to start again than to reflect back.

 At a recent City and Colour concert I attended Dallas Green said something that really challenged my thinking on music, and I can apply it to life as well. He talked about how it is difficult for him to play a song that he wrote years ago, his "old" material per say. He struggles with revisiting his old work because he realizes just how much things have changed since he wrote it. He is in a different place in his life. He has grown, moved on. He has trouble getting in touch with that music, and it completely makes sense.

Although some consider this (me included) to be his best work, Dallas definitely justified why he has trouble playing it. I recently read through some of the old songs I had written, and I tried to focus on what I was feeling, thinking, the place I was in my life when they were relevant. I like to believe that what I write has the purpose of being applied to any situation I encounter, and hardships I face, but I know that is not the truth.

However, there are a few songs, which Dallas proved by playing "Like Knives," that just seem to have a way of sticking around and reconnecting us to those moments in life. That is what I try to do, not for the mere purpose of rekindling harsh emotions (albeit the point at times), but to learn how exactly I moved on and overcame obstacles; to teach myself how not to fall victim to those traps, those struggling times that seemed to suck life away.


So here it is. A song written long ago, one of the first. Why this one? I wish I knew exactly why. It has always stuck with me. I still search to know exactly what I was trying to tell myself. The weight it carries is significant in more ways than I'll ever understand.

http://youtu.be/bkpwBf_g-Kc

Let me learn from this. Look at the past, to move on from the present into a brighter future.

Watershed

Take a step back.

Really look at the situation at hand and what it all means. You will come across major moments like this that will determine the course for your future. So many inhibitions with this specific moment. Something you have been fighting with for what seems like eternity. However, this is what everyone has said you need to improve upon. What you did, taking that step and choosing to follow through will make it or break it.

I suppose that's what you needed. As tough as it may be, it's what you needed to do.

Reflections

Every so often we look back on instances that have impacted us in the severest of ways, be it good or bad. This just so happens to be one of those instances.
I haven't listened to this song in a long time, and as such never paid much attention to the lyrics, or really searched for a meaning within. I feel that happens with a lot of music, but nonetheless, I'm focusing on this one. 
Strong words that are heavily weighted with meaning. This song explains a reflection of what I was for the past year. 


It begins with a dark glowing ember...
Something black burning its way out of me
Searing the flesh
Pain is the only thing I feel, scars all I see...

Oh no the fire's burning my insides again!
What can I do to silence my desire tonight?
Flames consuming reason leaving only ashes left,
You will catch me regretting my decision
I can't keep telling myself what I want to hear (what I want to hear)
I can't just close my eyes

I know that it's killing me
And it's poisoning the best of me
What I say, I don't want to believe
So let me tell you more, tell you more
About the lies I lead

That is how I choose to douse the flames in gasoline (Whoo!)
Broken dreams replace the blackout memories in my head
Wreckage from my past, it haunts me, shakes me to the bone (to the bone)
I know it's over but I can't go home tonight

But after this I feel as empty as the night before
Feel the pain and yet I'm still begging for more
Masochistic, nihilistic, urging backward thought
My life's a mess and I can't find a way to fix it

I can't keep telling myself what I want to hear (what I want to hear)
I can't just close my eyes
(close my, close my, close my fuckin eyes)

I know that it's killing me,
And it's poisoning the best of me
What I say, I don't want to believe
So let me tell you more, tell you more
About the lies I lead

Calling, calling out
The darkest reaches of my soul are riddled with self-doubt
Crawling, crawling out
My will to fight will more than suffice when others would lay down

It's only as dark as you make it!

I know (I know) that it's killing me (it's killing me)
And it's poisoning (it's poisoning) the best of me (the best of me)
What I say (what I say), I don't want to believe (want to believe)
So let me tell you more, tell you more
About the lies I lead

The Times They Are A-Changin'

What happened?
Whatever happened to the times when you worried about things that were never an issue to begin with? Where things seemed to be worse than they actually were. Where solutions to our problems were as easy as simply saying "I'm sorry."

The One You Want

Perfection.
That is what she is to you. The one you set up all standards against.
Such a rich history between the two of you. The first girl to ever truly have an impact on your life. She reached out a hand, and showed you what true love really means.
She deserves nothing but the best. That is what makes it so hard for you. So many opportunities to hold her, to be her man. You hold back... feeling sometimes that you can't offer her that which she deserves.
You put her happiness above your own. You love her and always will.

She is right in all the right ways.

The One That Got Away

She was right in all the wrong places.
So naive and inexperienced. She tried her best to break you out, to open you up. You resisted. She eventually gave up.
Things are different now and you finally realize how much she did for you. You appreciate her more than ever. She is the one who tells you like it is, never holding back. Perhaps that is what you needed all along.
A different time, a different place. Maybe it would have worked out then. However, she is as invaluable as ever now. Always willing to offer up advice and help you out.
You appreciate her more than ever. You can't help but to wonder once in a while: "what if..."

The one that got away.

Happiness By the Kilowatt

Happiness.
Something I have been considering a lot lately.
Defined numerous ways by many. No one true definition. I suppose what makes you happy is what helps you to enjoy life. Joy and happiness, two in one. Recently, I was given a definition that I can't stop thinking about. I am not sure why it has, as there is no real context to it for me. Perhaps it was a mistake to know this information, perhaps not. What it did make me do was realize something. Something extremely important that I have slowly been seeing over the past few months. You define your own happiness. Simple right? But what I think happens is that we get so consumed, so overwhelmed with trying to chase this, what we think is "happiness" we lose sight of what we have, the things we have that make us happy.
Within this encounter, this interaction I learned another thing. It seems as if there is still that wall that exists. Obviously uncomfortable which is completely understandable. In fact for it not to be would worry me. But with these ramblings, these notes to ourselves, we reveal more and more that we want to say, but never will.
Cliches.... don't really like them, but they always seem to apply.... enjoy the simple things in life.

"So this is continuous happiness
You know, I always
Imagined it something more
With the right drapes, the right paints
The right frames, this could really work."

When the Curtains Close

An audience.
What happens when you no longer have one? When not one person chooses to listen anymore?
This is a difficult scenario to deal with. We constantly yearn for someone to listen, even if we are just projecting out into the dark.
Hope. It's what keeps us going. The motivating force behind our actions.

“Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark.”

Perspective

Life.
A funny thing isn't it? There are certain times to where funny would never be the word to be associated with it but when life forces you to smile, you can't help but find certain situations funny. A few weeks ago I would have never said it. Now? Now I am happy. It's a change that is clearly evident to the ones around me. The tone of my voice, my outlook on certain issues, the way I deal with them. I can't help but focus on one subject in particular. For so long I held a grudge. Something that seemed so easy to do at the time. Slowly it is being eroded away. Not ready to forgive just yet but slowly building towards a civility that previously did not exist. This coupled with experiences that can only be called amazing, and you begin to see why life is funny. Profound? Yes. It forced me to make a difficult change that made a world of a difference in my attitude. I'm not sure which change occurred first: Good experiences helping me make better decisions? Or better decisions helping me to enjoy those good experiences? I see a combination of both, the two working hand-in-hand. However it happened, I am happy. This is why I can't help but smile, and learn to laugh again.

"The healthiest response to life is joy."

Expectations

Where to start?
Honestly, I have no idea...
Continuing on from an earlier draft that was never posted. As I sit here and look at those words it amazes me how much of a difference a day can make. I have done a lot of thinking lately, on one topic in particular. Details upon this topic will be shaded at best. Why? A question that we all hate to hear. A question that pushes us to reveal something deeper than the initial explanation. This "why" will be explained later throughout different entries as these streams of thought become more relevant to particular parts of this topic. Some of you may be familiar with the situation already and thus will more clearly understand.
So, let's continue.
Honesty. There would be no point to this without it. That being said, discussion begins.
A girl. Past ventures. There has been an ongoing issue of resolving a major problem that occurred a while back. One that has only grown just as fire consumes a dry and dead landscape. In many ways that is what the relationship has developed into. For so long I have fought and struggled. Sometimes to the point of insanity.
Doubt. Discomfort. Disparity. Suffering. The past.
Maturity teaches us a lot about ourselves. That growing up process. Admittance can be a hard thing for me to do. That may be why this has gone on so long. Blame falls on more than one but the loads are not equal. Knowing that this is not known has been hard. Possibly the hardest part. However (that word alone holds so much power to me), I'm tired. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Some things just aren't worth the battle, not if it causes this much pain and confusion. I want this to end. To finally be put to rest.
The first step. The key step.
I believe doing this will help to allow me to enjoy some of the other things happening around me. Introvert by nature, reaching out has never been easy. However (that word again), genuine people make a world of a difference. I am happy. That word and I have not been associated with one another in a long while. And why? (this one I will actually answer) Because there comes a time in life when you have to access if it is worth it. Is this sadistic nature of mine worth giving up the people who care? The answer, as I have come to realize as of late, is no.
And THAT, is the purpose I am writing you.

"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn."

Update #1

Back at it again.
Of course this is to be expected I suppose. I'm excited about this now, but what will happen as time passes? Will I lose interest? Possibly, but I don't want to worry about that right now. So let's talk about the structure of this for a moment. How often will it be updated? I'm not really sure. Don't expect to see a new post everyday, for I've already stated that is not my intention. If it does happen however, so be it. Honestly, this will be just as random as my thoughts are. I'll update this when I feel the need to express a new idea, or just simply flood the page with what is filling my head.
It's a refreshing feeling really. I find it weird... but comforting.

"And these are the things, we think about.

In the middle of the night all we have is time."

Dear diary that doesn't exist,

A diary.
Is that what this is? I would like to not imagine it that way but in some sense of the word the fact remains that you can classify it as just that. However, the difference is clear. A diary is written and intended to be a dialogue that only the writer will read.  This, this is written with the intent for anyone to know my thoughts. A hope that you will gain new understanding and insight. Learn something about me. Learn something about yourself. This is not intended to be a day-to-day chronicle of my life for I think no one would want to read that. If you wanted to bore yourself that much you would talk to a mirror for an hour.
So that brings us to the point: what is this blog about? The title should insinuate something. What do you take it to mean? Think of it as not me speaking, but rather that tiny voice in my head that won't allow me to sleep at night. This is his blank canvas. His interjections to be let free. His way to show he's prevalent. It is a look into the mind of someone who has achieved great things. Someone who has suffered immensely. Someone you would never expect to do something like this. It is what he has always wanted to say, but never could. Take the journey with him through his mind, but be warned of the revelations that are made known. Feel with him as he feels. Try to understand what he means, as complex as that may be.
This is not a self loathing stunt. This isn't something that is aimed to make people feel bad for him. It is simply a running dialogue of what goes through his head. So again, what is the point? Make it what you want it to be. As this is intended for you, try to make your own meaning of it. I encourage it. Use it as a means to listen to yourself. Listen to your own thoughts. Try to understand it. 

"Speak as if no one is listening, with the intent for everyone to hear."